Intercultural Experience: Hmong Wedding
Coming from a small town in southern Wisconsin, my attendance at the University of Minnesota has undoubtedly allowed me to experience many different cultural events and a better opportunity to meet more culturally diverse individuals. I met a great friend my freshman year while living in the dorms here on campus. She is third generation Hmong and indistinguishably Americanized. Her mother and grandmother each successively a step backward, her mother speaking a mix of English and her native Hmong, and her grandmother only able to communicate in Hmong.
Through many visits to the Vang household, I have been invited into a culture completely foreign to me. As a Spanish major, I have spent much more time enthralled with Latino history and traditions. This Intercultural Communication class has given me a way to verbalize the differences and similarities of the three cultures I have learned about extensively, American, Hispanic, and most recently, Hmong culture. The intercultural experience I would like to share for this assignment is my attendance at a
Hmong wedding earlier this fall semester. My apologies in advance, I did not take any photographs or videos of the event out of respect for the families. The wedding I attended was a fantastic mixture of traditional wedding customs as well as more modern practices.
Hmong weddings, including the one I attended, are typically a two day event. The parents of the groom prepare a wedding feast for the newlywed couple called “hu plig nyab tshiab thaum puv peb tag kis.” The couple returns to the house of the bride’s family at the end of the first wedding feast and spends the night in preparation for the next day. The next day, the parents of the bride prepare the second wedding feast in their home, where the couple will then marry.
Traditionally, the Hmong community requires the exchange of ‘bride price’ from the groom’s family to the bride’s family; this tradition of ‘bride price’, originally stemmed from a compensation for the new family taking their daughter as the girl’s parents are now short one person to help with chores. The elders of both families would negotiate the amount prior to the engagement. To my knowledge, this tradition was not a part of the ceremony I attended.
The Hmong people come from an extremely spiritual background with many, seemingly superstitious, beliefs. The specific, extensive rules that a bride must follow during her wedding day are a great example of this. When leaving the bride’s house, the bride must never look back for it will make her miss her family and cause her great despair. No dish containing pepper may be served during the wedding feasts as it will make the newlywed’s marriage life bitter. If the bride does not return past boyfriend’s gifts, and he still really loves her and dies early, his spirit will come haunt her babies, which will make her babies colicky. The maid of honor’s job is to make sure the bride does not run off with another man. Historically, many girls were forced into arranged marriages and would elope with their boyfriends. Although the Vang’s wedding was more modern and westernized, I imagine certain smaller superstitions were still followed per request of the elders.
Before arriving at the ceremony, I felt extremely nervous. I was unsure what to wear, how to act, what to say, etcetera. My friend laughed at my anxieties and told me to follow her lead. We of course congratulated the newlyweds and I introduced myself to the family. Although some of the foods were a bit bizarre and extreme for my tastes, I graciously accepted and tried whatever was offered to me.
The bride and groom wore traditional American dress (white gown and tuxedo) and the attendees dressed semi-formal. There was not much traditional Hmong dress to be seen. Visually, the ceremony could not have been differentiated from any other American wedding, except that the service was delivered in Hmong. I thought this was interesting though, because I knew that most of the later generation Hmong children do not speak or understand the language. The only other difference was a rather touching ceremony that I had never seen before, called ‘the tying of strings ceremony.’ Performed by a shaman at most Hmong celebrations (births, weddings, funerals, graduations, and name changing ceremonies) a family or friend ties the couple’s wrists with white strings, a physical representation of their blessing and well wishes for them, encouraging them to become one with the spirit.
I went in with an ethnorelative mindset, prepared to understand a new culture from a different cultural framework; this certainly eased any culture shock that I could have experienced. Their verbal and non-verbal communication styles did not necessarily surprise me, but rather reinforced some of the perceptions that I went in already knowing. They absolutely embodied the low-context style of communication and low-contact culture that involves little touching, preference of indirect eye gazes, and speaking in a lower tone. Of course, this was a somewhat formal event, but there seemed to be an unusaually low conversational tone for such an exciting festivity. From what I have experienced with American weddings, people speak in rather loud voices, there is much more touching and kissing, a more exaggerated conversational tone, and certainly an element of informality.
Overall the events of the wedding revealed the extremely traditional and spiritual beliefs that even Americanized, modern Hmong people continue to practice today. Their culture is one that values family, friends, food, spiritualism, and tradition. Although I went in feeling like an outsider, everyone embraced me and made me feel like one of their own. They were proud to tell me about where many of their customs came from, historically. The Hmong people have very strong ethnic and cultural identities that are best described as proud and welcoming. They identify with their ancestral traditions and practices much more than most of us here in America. I knew I was an outsider, but felt welcomed and embraced in my curiosity and attempts to understand their traditions and culture.
I absolutely felt the more collectivist “we” tendencies of their culture that sharply contrast the individualistic tendencies we value here in America. Harmony and filial piety also seem important. Many of the traditions are reinforced by the elders and respected by the younger members of the Hmong community. There also seemed to be extremely segregated, old-fashioned gender roles. The women (young and old) were all expected to cook and clean while the men (again, of all ages) socialized and drank. I never saw a man in the kitchen or helping with any preparation of the food or catering aspects of the ceremony or reception. This exemplifies the large power distance that their culture values. Everyone seemingly accepted the unequal power distributions and hierarchal rights that are based primarily on gender, but also age, seniority, and status.
Compared to the American culture that I have grown up with, the Hmong culture seemed both similar and different to my own cultural values. Some of the similarities include their emphasis on celebrating an event with family, friends, and food. Perhaps even the small power distances were similar in a certain way; for instance my family Thanksgivings usually involve women in the kitchen and men socializing, but there is not such a strict division. A dad or an uncle might carve the turkey or help clear the table and women may be catered to during the meal. The main difference I saw in their cultural values during a celebratory event was their focus on spiritualism, or religion at all for that matter. I have experienced American weddings that had little to no focus on religion during the ceremony. Even Christmas, although a historically religious holiday, is fairly irreligious in my household. However, the emphasis remains on the connection of family and friends, as in the Hmong celebrations. It was a truly unique and enlightening experience that I would encourage anyone to try if the opportunity arrises!
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